And I’m curious to know that how can something that’s true for one person can be true for ALL?
When a parent says things like —
- Why did you speak like that….if you had spoken this way, things would have worked. (Oh, I forgot to ask you before and now I have learned my lesson.)
- Don’t put the stuff there, it’s sunny. The color might fade. (I wasn’t going to, but now I so wish I put it right where you didn’t want me to put it.)
- I told you so……had you listened to me, this wouldn’t have happened. (If you are really right about everything, why is your own life screwed up?)
- Be careful. People aren’t as good as you think. (I think, I need to be careful about you!)
- Listen to me…Do it this way because I have done this before too. (Okay, but isn’t there a new way of doing it?)
Sounds more like my dad, and we have been constantly battling our differences for years and having bad arguments until I started my healing journey.
A technique which helped me look at things not only from my Dad’s shoes but to model him and become him to discover, what prompts him to excessive pin-pointing and control over things. How does it make him feel as he corrects me often? What response does he expect? Why does he feel the need to correct others always?
As much as I felt controlled and annoyed by my dad’s behavior, I realized it wasn’t easy for him either. Being him and becoming him during one of the healing sessions was so overwhelming and emotional for me and tears started rolling down my cheek.
We all have a parent who keeps correcting us at every step of our life. They think that they are better and wiser in life, only for the fact that — comparatively they are elder and have more life experiences.
And when I talked to my dad about it, I learned that the only loving figure in his life was his dad who passed away early in his life. And after that, he felt less loved and cared for by his mother and siblings. With his mother constantly instructing him of do’s & don’t, it made him feel incapable and helpless.
When I shared this with my guru who was supporting me with my emotional healing, he pointed out that – people often pass on to others what they have received in the first place.
And he was quick to ask, “so now that you know what’s the trigger for his behavior and how it has affected him, what do you want to do about it?”
I said, “I feel awful for what he has been through. What can I do now?”
Guruji said you can fight back like you have always been doing or you can choose to empathize, forgive, and ask him for forgiveness. And support him to heal his own unpleasant emotional experiences.
I now realize that parents are usually victims of their own childhood experiences where they were raised to be dependant and exclusive of their decisions rather than being raised with inclusiveness and independence.
Once I realized what lied beneath my dad’s behavior, I felt less angry and more empathetic and caring towards him. It’s not that things have changed one hundred percent but our arguments and fights have become fewer.